Finding Divine Union

I can clearly retrace my journey to divine union from the moment I chose to actively heal my heart. It was Friday night in a tantric eco-Community where I was living for months in Nicaragua. A visitor came to scout the land and he spent a few hours with me that night, coaching me through clearing my heart by tuning into my emotions. 

I could feel the walls that I had been building, the mechanisms of protection. This night, I turned to the full moon and prayed to God for healing. God answered me to go to sleep, rest and integrate the alchemy that took place in my heart. Although this idea felt nice, I guess it was a bit too reasonable for my wild heart. Shortly after, my Tantra teacher came over and invited us to go to the temple for my very first temple night. Being very curious by nature, I joined a group of people to the temple instead of going to bed. In the temple, there were people making love and sensually connecting to one another. I sat onto a mat petting one of the dogs. My teacher extended her hand outwards and invited me to join the dance floor to dance with a beautiful man from the community. 

I stood before him as he opened his sexual energy to mine. We eventually kissed and connected sexually. Although the experience was wonderful, he ignored me the next day which made me feel rejected.

This sense of rejection triggered a cycle of addiction within me which led me to long for more connection. I ended up connecting to another member of the community who was very lovely but not my obvious choice of man.

Right after he left, I connected with another member of the community and this time I fully gave into this connection and started a relationship with him. For one year, I tried so hard to make our relationship work despite our differences of desires as to how we wanted to live. I lost myself in this relationship. I became highly depressed and anxious to the point that I couldn't sleep at night. 

I lost myself because I didn't value who I was anymore: my work, my goals, my ambitions, my boundaries. Instead, I gave my all to this relationship in the hope that it would fulfill me when in fact it was draining me. 

It felt like touching rock bottom. It was only with the help of a psychotherapist that I was able to start to see things more clearly and eventually gave up on that relationship. When I gave up on that relationship I said YES to myself. I embraced myself as my own beloved. I held myself and loved myself perhaps for the very first time; valuing my own dreams, my own gifts, my heart, my community. These things that matter to me. I CHOSE ME. 

A few months later I returned back home to Toronto, Canada. I met together with a friend who that same voice that had spoken to me on the full moon said that him and I were meant to be together in some ways. And so I gave it a try despite our seeming difference, and him and I went on our first date. 

It took us weeks to trust each other, to be vulnerable with one another and to really open ourselves to be seen. It took us a month to even kiss and three months to make love. It took us a whole year to finally call it a relationship. But it is because we went so slow to get to know one another, because we had been both through a hard initiation prior this new relationship and thanks to our many practices and openness to love ourselves fully and completely that we were able to meet one another from a place of authenticity and readiness for the deepest connection that either of us had ever experienced before. 

When I met my partner six years ago, our souls recognized one another and knew one another yet it wasn't time for us to be together. We had to wait six long years for this union to take roots. And it feels now as stable as a beautiful tree. 

So if you're wondering how to meet your beloved in this kind of soul-bounded union, ask yourself, how far are you along your journey to healing your addictive patterns? Have you clarified your own boundaries with yourself and with others? Have you been initiated to have to choose yourself despite all external expectations and pressure? And if so, pay attention to the voice of the Divine as it speaks to you through your intuition, for the right person will appear in the moment that you least expect. And then take it slow and drop down all expectations towards this person and get to know them. Practice patience in your longing for emotional, physical and sexual connection. Connect heart to heart and soul to soul through tantric practices and shadow work sessions. Get to know one another on a deep level. 

If your union is meant to be, it will thrive and grow as naturally as a flower in the springtime. If your relationship is not meant to be, you will experience discomfort, doubts, anxiety and start to be lost and confused about who you are and what you do. If this relationship is meant to be, it will strengthen your faith in your path and your purpose. You will be inspired by them to continue to grow – not for the relationship but together WITH the relationship. You will be inspired to create together and apart. You will experience yourself as whole, divine and connected to Spirit above and within. 

With all my heart, I wish you to find such a soulful connection. May you be happy. May you be at peace. May you feel home wherever you are along your journey.